Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years