My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
man: wait
time: no
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
reviewed some movies recently
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!