HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
monday
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.