My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
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Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me, flirting😏
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Möther may I have a snäck
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.