The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
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I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.