I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
According to math, I’m broke
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
wut hotdog?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.