FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.