[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
🙋♀️
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?