All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*mops up wine with cat*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.