Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.