Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”