WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*