So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.