what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Dead sexy!!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
is there nothing we can trust anymore