A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
You Might Also Like
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Breaking news:
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it