Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler