Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You Might Also Like
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
damn he’s good
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*