my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.