Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”