Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet