I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
You Might Also Like
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
sugar glider wrangler
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*