When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.