[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
That’s enough internet for the day
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
This makes total sense…
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.