“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
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Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT