Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison