Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Monday Lisa
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
me when i see my girls butt
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!