I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car