[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Kids: Stay in school.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”