I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
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“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.