“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.