{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
😍😂🥰😂😍
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.