*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Xylophonist Shredding It
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
How can I say no to this ?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.