Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
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I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item