Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Chemical wingman
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me trying to reach for my goals
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]