My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Hotels are back
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.