Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.