Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?