I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“What movie?” 🤔
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
School be like