The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.