12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
How funny!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭