Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!