Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
こいつ天才
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.