A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?