Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭