[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING