[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Holy shit he’s back
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby