mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You Might Also Like
We’ve come full circle
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
giddy up Office Depot
Perfect
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!