wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.