I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
More like Kate Missington.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?