I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Stop being racist to kettles.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I hope it’s French Onion!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.